Best ways to find out where you are in your change process
We all make changes in our lives overtime. Furthermore, there are times where we just can’t break out of the cycle of behavior, we are in. I’ve come to believe there isn’t any magical tool or way to get the results we want rapidly. Change takes time, a ton of small steps and building momentum. With that being stated, there are defiantly some best ways to find out where you are in your change process.
The following is a gage that helps break down counterproductive thinking and behaviors. Learning this cycle/gage and understanding where you are in your change process can help you exit the persistent behavior you want to change. Counterproductive thinking and behavior can be detrimental to our lives. Here are some examples of them but not limited to; substance use, criminal thinking and behaviors, weight loss, exercise, financial and many other mental physical and spiritual challenges.
When we can break down the thinking, behaviors and emotions we are having it gives us a chance to fight. Often times we get caught in our thinking and emotions and without even knowing it we continue to cycle. Again, when we begin to understand our own cycle it gives us an edge and levels the playing field. When we become aware we will also be able to see others and help them as well.
As you look over this diagram below think about thoughts and behaviors that you want to change in your life. More specifically pick out one. When you begin to gain deeper understanding of the cycle see where you at. Knowing where you’re at will help prevent you from going to the next step. Remember, just knowing gives you leverage during your own personal fight that’s going on between your ears (in your mind).
Pretending Everything is Normal
I have come to learn this is sometimes considered the shark under the water. The shark is lurking there just waiting to come out and attack. Pretending that everything is normal is doing exactly what it says. We move through life there are times where we think have control of a harmful behavior (we think we are okay but really we are not). There has been no real sustainable change from the behavior.
The Trigger
As we move through life thinking that we have control of a behavior there comes a time where we are triggered. A trigger is an external or internal response to something in our environment. Example let’s say that we want to make better financial decisions and start to think about a product or we see a product in a video. Thinking about the product is an internal trigger (it happens in our minds) and seeing it on a video is an external trigger (it happens outside of our minds). The trigger typically takes us to the next phase.
The Build – Up
After a trigger happens we move into the build-up. This phase of the cycle can last a long time. It’s said to be the most exciting part of the cycle; even more exciting than the next stage. The build-up is a web of thinking which begins to reinforce the counterproductive behavior we are trying to change. This phase consists of a good deal of risky thinking, behaviors and emotions. Also included in this phase is Seeming Unimportant Decisions, having difficulty with immediate gratification and lapses.
- Risky thinking, behaviors and feelings can happen at any moment of the build-up. They are thoughts, actions and feelings that will put you at risk to engage in the counterproductive productive behaviors. Let’s look at a couple of examples using the financial situation from above.
- Risky thinking after a trigger might be; “I really need this product.” “I know it’s expensive but I get paid again tomorrow.” “It won’t hurt my financial goals.” “It’s going to go on a credit card so I can pay it off later.”
- Risky behaviors after the trigger might be; picking up your phone, begin to search the internet for a product, finding the product and putting it into your cart, going to your cart and proceeding to check out.
- Risky emotions after the trigger might be; excitement, happy, being on cloud 9, overjoyed, and inspired. Side note, these feelings are typically associated with good things but if they are part of the buildup they can also be counterproductive to your goals and behavior change.
- A seeming unimportant decision is a decision that you make that doesn’t seem real important at the time but it really played a huge role not changing the behaviors that you’re trying to change. One example in this financial situation might be as simple as picking your phone up after you had a trigger. It might seem a little crazy or extreme but if you think deeply self-critically about it the risk is very real at least in this situation.
- A lapse is a temporary lack of judgment. It can be a fantasy or dwelling on the behavior. Some people say it can also be re-engaging in the old counterproductive behavior one time.
The Acting Out
The next step we go through is the act out. We reengage in the counterproductive behavior. We purchase the item we were searching on the internet. Maybe we purchase multiple different items that go against our financial goals. It feels absolutely exhilarating in the moment. There really isn’t much to say about the act out accept that we need to look at this as a learning experience to help us the next time.
Celebration After the Counterproductive Behavior
This doesn’t happen all the time but sometimes there is a celebration after the act out. The waiting for the purchased item in the mail is also exhilarating. The item finally gets into our possession and it’s great for a day or two. We are truly excited about it. Celebration doesn’t last long.
The Justification
Lastly and certainly not least, we convince ourselves that what we did was okay. We justify the behavior to ourselves. If we are deep into a cycle and our awareness hasn’t been raised justifications my not even exist. If a habit is formed with no awareness there is no reason for justifications. Justifications come out the most when we become aware. They come out even more extreme if someone tries to hold us accountable for our behaviors.
After the justification we slip right back into pretending everything is normal and the cycle continues.
The Iceberg
The diagram inside of the cycle is an iceberg (you might have to use your imagination and forgive my artwork). An iceberg has sunk many ships. Furthermore, our thinking and behaviors can sink us. This iceberg also represents a lens that we all look through in our own unique way.
At the top of the iceberg are tactics and behaviors (things that we can use our senses to identify mostly sight and hearing). Behavior consists of maybe fifteen percent of the iceberg but probably less.
Under the surface is our thinking (thinking errors) Attitudes Values and Beliefs. At the very bottom is our control.
Let’s start at the top. Tactics are behaviors we use to avoid responsibility especially when we are being held accountable for a behavior. Let’s say our significant other tells us that we are making poor financial decisions. We might respond with a number of tactics. anger, silent treatment, denial, projecting blame, self-pity, lying, intellectualizing, reversing the conversation, vagueness, lack of attention, attacking (putting them on the defense) deflecting, accusing them of misunderstanding and many more.
Imagine a tool box filled with tactics. When someone gets too close to seeing a behavior you did that you believe is worth defending; tactics will come out strong. People tend to move from one tactic to the next very quickly. We all want to be viewed as a good person and when someone challenges our character it’s time to fight.
Side note: To help someone with their tactics we need to tactfully exhaust them (with care and compassion) and help them own responsibility for what they did.
So again, tactics are behaviors that we show to try and escapes responsibility from our actions.
Underneath the surface of an iceberg or under the surface of our behaviors is thinking. How we view the world. Furthermore, it’s our attitudes values and beliefs of how we see things in our lives. We have many errors in the way we think which keep us where we are. We can’t change or exit our cycles without identifying our thinking (and emotions) that got us there. The tactics come out as a result of the way we think. Some of the examples in the diagram are Power Thrusting, Victim Stance, Failing to Consider Injury to Other and Closed Channel of Communication.
Power Thrusting is thinking that you’re in control and everyone else should revolve around you. When you are challenged you do what you need to exert your power.
The Victim Stance is probably one of the most understood errors in our thinking. We take the stance of the victim but we do not believe that we are a victim or do we believe others are a victim. This is a very strategic through pattern that is extremely purposeful to avoid responsibility and get what we want (which typically is to escape consequences or be viewed as a good person).
Failure to Consider Injury to Other is really not giving much thought, if any, on how our actions are impacting the other person. It’s a self-centered and self-serving error that we have that again makes what we are doing okay.
Closed Channeled of Communication is having selective seeing and hearing. Only hearing and seeing what we want to see and hear. Not being receptive to others points of view and not honestly self-disclosing are two ways this plays out in a person.
Attitudes Values and Beliefs are what fuel’s our thinking and behaviors. These are engrained in the core of who we are. We all have our own and they are all different and unique to us.
At the bottom of the Iceberg is Control. We are all in control of our thinking and behaviors (Tactics, Attitudes Values and Beliefs). Even though it may not feel like we are in control sometime especially when we are trying to make positive changes in our lives.
The last thing I would like to state is that a person can exit at any point in a cycle even though the ripple can be impactful to self and other a person can discontinue thinking and behaviors that create risk.
Conclusion
The truth is change is hard work and it takes building momentum and a ton of small steps. Knowing where you’re at with a specific behavior can be extremely helpful. It can help you prepare for what you might do next if the thinking and behavior isn’t interrupted. I appreciate you time reading this article today. My hope is this article and diagram brings awareness to counterproductive behaviors you’re struggling with, and it can be instrumental to future changes, relationships and becoming the best version of you.
If you like what you have read, check out other articles on the website ThinkingDeeplySelf-Critically.com the site is designed to give us tools and techniques to help us become the best version of ourselves. There are four main categories on the site. The Foundation, Our Responsibility to Us, Our Responsibility to Others and Facilitating Crisis. We can also be found on Pinterest.
