6 Best ways to respond when boundaries are tested
There are times in a crisis where we have exhausted everything we know to help a person. Furthermore, there are some specific behaviors that may occur that become victimizing to other involved in the situation. In any case, we need to begin setting boundaries with the individual. This is an absolute art. It takes extremely tactful and purposeful responses on our part. We must always look through the lens of doing no harm as well as maintain a healthy relationship.
We must be on our game and still exhaust all options. If you are interested in facilitating crisis, I would recommend reading the other articles on the website Thinking Deeply Self-Critically. This particular article 6 best ways to respond when boundaries are tested is kind of an “if all else fails” article. If you’re working for a company that has policies about what to do when all else fails, then you should follow policy that are in place (especially if a situation turns violent). This website is about our thinking and becoming the best version of ourselves by serving others (we can still be the best version of ourselves during violence). So, without any more hesitation here are 6 techniques to consider if you have to set boundaries during a crisis situation.
1 Setting limits
There may come a time in crisis that you might need to consider setting limits or boundaries. This is a delicate process. Furthermore, the reason I say this is because you still need to maintain a healthy relationship with the individual. We all have our own styles but regardless of our styles we need to do minimal harm during the interaction. Limits need to be clearly stated and may need to be explained more than once. Think of limits as an extension of the relationship which can make a connection much more meaningful when relayed in a healthy purposeful way. If a limit becomes tested, we need to make sure that we follow through. At the same time, we still need to maintain a healthy relationship.
2 Give clear expectations
In a calm and centered way, we may need to give clear expectation. Again, this needs to be done doing no harm. To make something clear for someone else we need to say it in a way that they understand. When delivering the message, we can’t expect them to change as fast as we want them to. We should always be willing to change our approach and be flexible with the ever-changing situation. Again, we need to look through a lens of doing no harm. We also need to ask clarifying questions to see if they understand but in a way that doesn’t shame them or make them feel embarrassed or guilty. If you become aware that this is occurring, you have the responsibility to make it right. A couple techniques would be apologizing and being transparent. “I may have explained that wrong” “My tone may have been off I apologize.” “Do you understand what I’m asking you?” Keep in mind setting boundaries are an extension of a healthy relationship and giving clear expectations is a vital piece to setting them.
3 Follow through
For us to gain credibility with a person in crisis, we need to have consistent follow through with any expectations or limits we set as it pertains to boundaries. Above all, throughout the following process we need to continue to kindle the relationship. Follow through is complex for facilitators because there is a lot at stake. We might think that setting a boundary could lead to more acting out. But to consider that as an option can lead to a misdiagnosis. Furthermore, it could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Meaning, why waste our time and energy on thinking someone is about to acting out. Why not consider putting that energy of following through toward more productive thoughts. Stay in the moment and analyze what is going on moment to moment.
4 Confront the behaviors not the person
To take more pressure off a person going through the crisis it’s important that we don’t attack them. Addressing the behavior is best practice. We all struggle with our own behaviors at times and when we are confronted two things can happen: we can be receptive, or we can get defensive. When we become defensive, we use multiple different tactics (other behaviors) to deflect the responsibility away. The idea is to create a condition that allows a person to be receptive not defensive. So, if a person is willing, focus your discussion on the thinking and behaviors that got them into the crisis. Helping them to a point where they are receptive will allow them to also find value in boundaries you are trying to set.
5 Ask for help
We don’t have all the answers. There are times where we may need help from other. It’s always important to ask for assistance when we find ourselves conflicted. Above all, when it comes to crisis, we owe it to those we serve to find answers that lessen the harm. Creating boundaries is complicated and trying work that takes time and practice. Lastly be patient with yourself (your own personal development) and with other and take your time to find the answer you need.
6 Work “with” them not “to” or “for” them
The word “with” is a profound word. It’s about togetherness. A pitfall that a new person gets in is working “to” or “for” the person. Meaning the facilitator work for what best suits the facilitator. Setting boundaries is still a partnership if done correctly. It takes a good deal of self-reflection on our part but when it happens the results are powerful. A person might even look through the lens of achieving a goal with another person. Whatever techniques, strategy or style you use working “with” always does less harm than working “to” or “for”.
Conclusion
Setting boundaries in crisis is complicated work and it takes a good deal of deep self-reflective thinking to be effective. Crisis can be very unpredictable, so we have to be flexible in our approach. Setting boundaries is best practice in all relationships. It’s more complex in crisis. It takes a good deal of mental endurance and balance. If you would like more information on facilitating crisis, please check out Facilitating Crisis 1-4.
If you like what you have read, check out other articles on the website ThinkingDeeplySelf-Critically.com the site is designed to give us tools and techniques to help us become the best version of ourselves. There are four main categories on the site. The Foundation, Our Responsibility to Us, Our Responsibility to Others and Facilitating Crisis. We can also be found on Pinterest.
If you like what you’re reading you might enjoy Tactics to Avoid Responsibility and Winning the War Between our Ears
