Sometimes controlling anger in relationships is tough work. Human behavior isn’t an exact science. When dealing with anger and relationships science feels like it’s completely out of the picture. One way we can look at anger is to understand it’s a secondary emotion. This means that there is typically some other thinking or emotion going on before becoming angry.
The act of anger is the result of being triggered by an activating event. Anger is typically looked at as a secondary emotion. Some other emotion happens first. A trigger can be the result of a trauma response. When we are faced with a trauma response it could send us into a fight, flight, or freeze mode. It’s important to understand this. Just being aware of this information can help us respond in a more productive way.
Controlling anger in a relationship can be tough work but several different techniques can help. It’s truly important to become aware that anger is a problem. Relationships are complex and have many different layers. If one person identified it and the other doesn’t see it or doesn’t care you may consider reaching out for help. Even though reaching out may cause more problems you owe it to yourself.
Anger that isn’t controlled or stopped can lead to some bad stuff. If it’s already to a point of physical, or verbal abuse or domestic violence it might be time to seek guidance from an outside source. Walking away is complex because of many things but people are resilient. We can all make huge changes in our lives and live happily and successfully.
So, let’s get into it. Here’s how to control anger in relationships.
Set Some Ground Rules.
Again, relationships are profoundly complex. During peaceful times it’s important to set ground rules about anger and conflict. Have an action plan for when things get heated. Promise to stick to it and remind each other of the plan if things are starting to not go well or are already heated. Make a big deal about this action plan write or type it out and have both of you sign it as if it were a contract. It may sound kind of strange but look at it as a vowel to each other.
Breathe
Breathing has several health benefits. When we breathe it brings oxygen into your body and bloodstream. Breathing and getting more oxygen to your bloodstream sends oxygen-rich blood past your blood-brain barrier. This increases the ability to critically think. Once we begin to critically think we can step out of the fight, flight, or freeze state that we are in.
Walk Away
Sometimes the best thing to do is just turn and walk the other way if you can. Allow some space or the dust to settle. Walking away isn’t always the best way or an option but it can help. Add this to part of your action plan.
Preempt Anger
If you’re the angry person in the relationship, it’s important to preempt anger. This can be done by simply telling yourself when you get up each morning that you will probably get angry today. Now I’m not saying to misdiagnose or give yourself a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m saying that acknowledge your struggle with anger. Once you can acknowledge this you can then begin to make small commitments to yourself. “There may be a time today I become angry and when I do this is how I am going to respond.” Again, planning is important. Planning can also help us practice new responses because it’s in our awareness.
Take a Moral Inventory
Moral inventory is about self-reflection. Furthermore, it’s about considering how your anger impacts others in your life. Specifically in the case of a relationship and how it impacts your partner. It might be beneficial sometime to set down and brainstorm how your anger hurts people. From a counselor’s perspective, they would probably tell you to take it a step further and read it out loud/share it with your partner. This can strengthen a relationship if you allow it. Quite a possibility both of you may need to do it with each other. Consider it a homework assignment.
Take Ownership
Sometimes it’s difficult to say you’re sorry and take ownership for what you did or said. There are a lot of benefits to taking such steps. If you’re genuine about this, it can create a condition of closure for you and the other person. Taking ownership of your anger can allow you to move forward as a person. True ownership takes you out of the pre-contemplation stage (not thinking you have a problem) of thinking and moves you to a contemplation stage (considering you have a problem). Once we realize our anger is a problem then we can take the steps necessary to make a change.
The 6 stages of Change model have been around for an extremely long time he is an article I pulled from Verywellminded.com that explains them. The thing that’s good about the stages of change is they let you know where you are in any change process in your life. When you understand where you are you can then move forward.
Conclusion
How to control anger in relationships is vital to the success of that relationship. Relationships are complex but there are ways to help with the anger. Understanding changing your thinking and actions is the part you have the most control over can help you heal sooner.
If the other persons actions become abusive it’s time to seek outside help. No one deserves to stay in an abusive relationship. Relationships are profound and it may not sound like a good or even safe idea. Remember your life is worth saving and living without that kind of extra stress.
If you like what you have read, check out other articles on the website ThinkingDeeplySelf-Critically.com the site is designed to give us tools and techniques to help us become the best version of ourselves. There are four main categories on the site. The Foundation, Our Responsibility to Us, Our Responsibility to Others and Facilitating Crisis.
Another article that may help is The Change Cycle. This article can help put thinking and behaviors in perspective and well as give you ideas on how to break the cycle you may be in.
Here is an article that gives a more in-depth look at What it means to be triggered.
